To Be Seen

I’m someone who enjoys listening to and explaining a full story, so I’m going to envelop this post in some context for you.

Before January 2019 I think the only time I’d danced was for myself, in my kitchen, in my pants to Ariana Grande (I know). I felt high, sweaty and elated as I moved and swayed to the music.

Whilst in Bali earlier this year I booked myself into a women’s workshop which was subsequently cancelled last minute and in it’s replacement a kundalini class was offered. I very nearly bailed. But then I reasoned that I was there now so might as well give it a go.

Towards the end of the class after much breath-work and free movement we were asked to stand up and start dancing to the music. At first I felt incredibly awkward, shy, inhibited and painfully aware of my British reserve. However the song was banging and soon enough with eyes closed I was moving, albeit on my yoga mat. You gotta start somewhere right?

The class lit something in me and I practically ran home to download the song and keep dancing. I wanted to explore this natural high. It set me on a journey this year to seek out dance classes in Barcelona. Through these I’ve learnt so much about my femininity, my strength and the areas of myself that I don’t want to be seen.

Fast forward to this week and I attended a tantra workshop with the same teacher from before, here in Ubud. One of the exercises was to take it in turns to dance for a partner with them totally holding us with their gaze and vice versa. Never have I danced in front of someone and been completely seen and held.

It was incredibly powerful.

I was not dancing for my partner, I was dancing for me. But I knew that his gaze never left me. Which made me feel seen, held and appreciated. The art of full presence. How many times can I honestly say that I have done this for someone or felt the same back? Shamefully not many.

In an age where we are constantly distracted what a gift it is to choose presence. And what a gift it is to share it with another.

There have been so many times in my life during moments of conflict that I’ve wanted to shut down. Literally placing my hands over my head to avoid being seen. It has taken much work to not fall back into default mode. It’s much easier to follow old patterns than to face up to the reality of engaging with another and hopefully resolving the issue. The hands have to come down and the eyes have to meet. In these moments I grow.

I wanted to explore holding the gaze so I danced facing towards my camera. There have been quite a few times I’ve seen others do this and I’ve judged them thinking they are full of themselves, how can they just brazenly watch themselves like that? But then who I am to judge? Do I know what’s going through their mind? No. Perhaps my judgement is an opportunity for me to reflect on what about it stirs me? Maybe I want to do it too? Why as a woman should I not enjoy my body, my movement and my self-expression? It’s my job to question my judgement and hopefully to release it.

Maybe you will judge me for this post, or this video. That’s ok. But perhaps it will stir something in you to explore dancing, or to explore holding space for another with your full attention. That would be really cool.

It takes courage to put ourselves out there and with each step I feel more powerful.

With love,

Alice

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