Some thoughts on love, single life and relationships
7.5 years ago I wrote this blog post about being single. I was living in London at the time and had been single for 6 years. I remember that version of me, always busy, always partying with many, many dating disasters under my belt. That blog was inspired by a particularly bad moment when I’d travelled to Sweden to see a guy I’d met in Sri Lanka some months prior. After a whirlwind romance of precisely one week where we surfed and gazed into each other's eyes I was abruptly brought back to reality when I saw him in his hometown. The guy had changed his mind and decided it was better to let me travel to see him rather than telling me beforehand. It was honestly awful but luckily I had a friend living in Gothenburg who I ran to before hopping on the first plane back, tears streaming down my face.
Now this experience taught me a couple of things. Firstly, always listen to your intuition….even though me and the guy had been consistently speaking for a couple of months and he was insisting I should come and see him I still felt something was off. I was right! Words mean very little without action to support them. Secondly, if you’re going to travel to see someone you don’t know very well, always have a backup plan. The most important takeaway from this experience though was that it marked a turning point in my life. As I stood crying on the phone to my mother I realised I didn’t want to be upset about men who weren’t worthy of my tears or time.
Welcome to learning boundaries in dating….well…..kinda. I started to realise that I had the power to say what was and wasn’t acceptable for me. The year that followed became a bit of a testing ground for trying out said boundaries. The largest shift came when I decided to train as a yoga teacher. My focus moved from nights out to 6am starts and with that a lot less time for dating. The more I ‘worked’ on myself the better I felt and by June 2015 I was a newly qualified yoga teacher and in my first long-term relationship as an adult. I had to learn that being in a relationship doesn’t just mean that life is peachy, in my naivety I honestly thought it did. As a 28/29 year old I learnt about communication in relationships and attachment types. I realised that communication was a key component to romantic relationships, indeed all relationships.
Fast forward to the start of 2019 and I’m living in Barcelona, newly single after 3.5 years. I felt like a completely different person to the one who was so lonely in London. The biggest factor was that I was exploring practises that made me feel alive. The lifestyle of London pre-yoga teaching days, for me anyway, was a lot of alcohol and recreational drugs at the weekend. Barcelona life was completely different, I spent my days working out outside, cycling to see friends and partying in the sunshine without the giant hangovers and regrets. I took up dance classes and began to feel sexy for the first time in my life. This wasn’t coming from any external validation. I felt sexy from the inside out and was vibrating with energy.
And you know what happened? Without sounding like an arrogant wanker I started to attract more attention from guys. This had never really happened before, I was usually the one doing the seeking, now I was the magnet. It was fun. I decided this was the moment to retest my boundaries when it came to dating. If something was off I told them and I tried to be as honest as possible with people. I had learnt to stop giving my power over to others.
It was a hot summer in 2019 when a girlfriend and I decided to go to Brunch in the Park, an electronic day party in the hills of Montjuic. I was feeling amazing, we had so much fun dancing with friends in the sweaty crowd. Fatboy Slim and 2 Many DJs were playing, the sun was blazing and the atmosphere was electric. My only aim was to have fun that day and there, in a sea of thousands of people was my beloved Franki. We were looking at one another and then he started to say hi. This guy had something special. He asked me if I wanted a drink and I said sure. We spent the whole afternoon and evening having fun, it was golden. I knew I wanted to see him again and so I said it straight up. He said ‘why not’ haha. Gradually over many months we got to know each other. I felt no need to force anything, nor to over worry about what he was thinking. I trusted that if it was right it would work out.
Yesterday I was retelling our love story to a mutual friend and tears of happiness rolled down my face. I think back to that young woman who felt so lost in herself and so sad at her ‘lack’ of a boyfriend. To be in a relationship where I adore this person and love who they are so much, wow, it’s just incredible. I’m grateful to all the parts of my life that brought me to this moment.
A few lessons I’ve learnt in all of this is that love, dating and relationships are complicated but when true love comes along there won’t be games. Take your time with new people, try not to rush through feelings and give yourself space to feel out situations. If you’re feeling shitty then listen to that. Never think that your worth lies in someone else's opinion of you. Try to shift the focus away from what you lack and instead focus on everything that you have. Being in a relationship is great for some and not the path for others. Since I wrote that blog post 7.5 years ago my eyes have been opened to many other ways to be in a relationship and love.
If you’re single and not wanting to be then pour all of the love that you have into yourself and to those you care about. Remember that you are whole just as you are, you don’t need someone to ‘complete’ you. Learn people’s love languages, this was honestly a game changer for me. Allow yourself to be vulnerable with those you trust, it will open up so many doors. Above all, practice self-love and do the things that light you up because you’re mega!
