Welcome To The Thirties

Last week I turned 30 years old. I can´t say I was looking forward to it. It might sound silly but I felt a sadness in saying goodbye to my twenties. What a ride they´ve been. So much growth since leaving my teens. I felt compelled to write this blog post to document and reflect back on the past few years. For me writing is very therapeutic and I love feeling creativity flow from my finger tips.So here goes..... I entered my 20´s whilst in recovery from anorexia. I was half way through my second year of university and a little terrified of the huge changes taking place within myself. What sticks out from this time was being able to get a hold of my controlling habits, and slowly but surely lessen their grip on me. I rekindled my interest in men and thrived at my degree, gaining a place in my dream role of buying at a huge high street retailer.Off I went to the big smoke. 20 years old and living in London with my best friend in a great flat, a stones throw from Hoxton square for £500 a month (sigh those rental prices are long gone). I was so happy and in equal amounts nervous of living and working in London. The desire for change was strong even as a teenager but I had to get to grips with IBS as my anxiety manifested itself in my digestion (too much info??). I met a funny and handsome Kiwi man and used to skip to work to spend time with him. This period of my life was probably the first time I felt like an adult. I was introduced to Friday night after work drinks. No dinner and drinking? This was confusing for a girl fresh out of ed recovery. I would normally make my excuses and try and get a pasty or a sandwich before hitting the bar.21 came around and I woke up to many lovely surprises organised by my friends. There was a hilarious incident with a pack of wild women and some chocolate Lindt balls which will remain tight to our hearts forever. I became single and had to learn about dating for the first time in my life, what a confusing and thrilling time that was. We packed our bags and headed off to Thailand for 5 weeks after our placements. I loved every second of our time away. We did many silly things which I look back on and cringe, stranded on a boat at sea, tick, getting on jet skis with strangers, tick, a little cockiness with scooter riding, tick. It light something within me and the travel bug was firmly engrained in my heart.22 and back at university for final year, which will always be known as ´The Penthouse´. Lindsay and I managed to convince our landlord that 3 final year girls could take care of the most stunning flat in Bournemouth complete with sea views, a huge balcony and a king size bed (I got it). We partied as hard as we worked in this year, rekindled a travelling friendship and laughed our way to 2.1s. I got my heart a little broken but earned a wonderful relationship along the way.We were finishing our degree as the recession hit so Jade and I did what any sensible students would do and got the hell out of there. We packed our huge travel backpacks and took a round the world trip starting in Thailand. Out of all the places we bumped into some chaps we had met on our travels the previous year in Bangkok. Jade and I followed the sun as we made our way through Thailand, Cambodia, Laos, Vietnam, Thailand again, Malaysia and Indonesia. We picked up a dear friend, Char, in Vietnam and made other friends for life in Thailand. I fell deeply in love with Bali. It was everything I had dreamed of, all day perfect surf, sans wetsuit, warm weather, incredible culture and delicious aromatic food. I´d met a boy at the start of travels and went to see him ahead of Jade in Oz. After only a week I craved Bali so badly I headed back. The thrill of being back was soon taken down a notch as I caught Dengue fever and Typhoid so spent 1 week in hospital. Always get travel insurance! Luckily I had my surfing wife, Emma, who looked after me so kindly.I picked up some volunteering in Bali and thought it would be my home. I´d managed to secure work and thought I was set for the foreseeable future. This was probably one of the first times in my life when I had to really let someone down and trust my gut. It was a major u-turn and one I have always felt guilty about. But without deciding to leave I would´t be where I am now. It was all part of the path.After surfing my brains out in Mexico I made my way back to London. I was extremely fortunate to walk straight back into buying but my heart was no longer in it. This period of my life was a lot of partying and a lot of questionable dating. I experienced what it was like to be given the cold shoulder by a man and boy did it hurt. I changed jobs and took a step into fashion research. What seemed like a dream job became very damaging towards the end because of the management I was under. But looking on the positive side it taught me important lessons about how to manage someone and also how not to treat people.With a redundancy came a fresh opportunity to go travelling. I was done with London, hurt and confused with who I was and ready for my next adventure. This trip would change my life. India and I set off to Sri Lanka. She was really keen to take up yoga, I just saw it as something that was a good idea to do. So we started practising and pretty quickly I felt connected back to myself. I found a renewed sense of self confidence. I went travelling looking to to 'find myself', I now realise that I didnt need to look so hard, things were starting to take care of themselves. After India went to Thailand I went travelling around India, partly by myself, partly with Jonny. Never had I pictured myself alone in India navigating the night trains, sleeping in homestays and following my desire to surf and practice yoga.I went to the Sivananda ashram in Kerela and my eyes were opened. Getting up every day at 5.30am to meditate and chant was challenging and I loved the regime of the ashram and the incredible people I met. I came away feeling so peaceful and content.Back in Sri Lanka I surfed, volunteered at Eagle House and practiced yoga everyday. With a month left there I met a guy and fell deeply in lust. My daydreaming mind envisaged a life of long distance relationships. I had to learn a really important lesson. I ignored my gut and traveled to his country some months later, it did´t end well. I was very upset, not even with the loss of that imagined relationship but with my lack of ability to find a boyfriend. Looking back I wasted so much time worrying about boy stuff.I spent 7 years of my twenties dating and single. For most of that time I felt something was wrong with me, like i wasn´t good enough. What has taken me many years to realise is that I was attracted to men who would pull away, those, who like me, were emotionally unavailable. I put my self-worth in the hands of others, whether it was relationships or my work.After my time away I came back to London with a revived sense to take no bullshit when it came to men. I threw myself into my new job. Yoga remained my constant. When I was in India I considered taking my teacher training but the dates never aligned. The desire did´t go away and in Jan 2015 I made the leap and put down the deposit to train as a yoga teacher. I was hugely curious to learn. I started the journey and my life took a new turn. Suddenly i was doing something that I adored and I was perhaps even good at it? You mean I was worth something, you betcha!The same week I graduated I took a trip to Cornwall. This would be where I would fall hard for a beautiful man who adored me as much as I adored him. Suddenly I realised what it was like to be with someone who was truly interested in me. It made me see all those times I had chased men around I had been chasing something that would never blossom.2015 threw me a huge curve ball and by the end of the year I was teaching yoga almost full time and working freelance. Much like I started my twenties with high anxiety I would end my twenties negotiating anxiety, self-doubt and a strong driving force. This was it, I had more freedom, more worries, less money but more independence than ever before. I´ve had to learn to stand on my own two feet and let myself be loved.In 2016 I started a mentoring programme where with daily journalling I had to face my demons of low self-worth. This ugly beast had been hanging around for too long. Fear, anxiety and worry had been ruling for too long. Frankly I´d had enough. I was ready to really live my life. Since I started working on these barriers doors have begun to open, I've been concentrating my efforts and putting my heart into what I do. The more I manifest, practice, meditate and open my eyes the more flows in. I woke up to 30 feeling so grateful that I am captain of my own ship. Each day I am creating, driving and learning. It feels incredibly empowering and exciting.