Call In Your Truth

I don’t really recall at what point I began to feel so stifled by myself. So much in my head that my creativity, intuition and passion have been sapped out. Turning constantly towards the medication of social media, distraction and procrastination so that I can avoid confronting my truths. Why am I struggling so much more now? 20 months into teaching yoga, living the freelance life I craved since stepping foot in a office. Why do I find it so hard to truly do things for myself and be focused? Brain whirring all the time. Yoga is my saviour. Connection to my practice provides clarity and trust. Maybe it’s terrifying to me that actually I am so ingrained into this path now. Before everything was temporary. Now? Now I am doing something I love, I am following my heart. That’s pretty scary. It’s much safer to sit behind the curtain rather than reveal oneself on the stage.I am overwhelmed with appreciation and wonder for what I do. I adore working with people, holding space for them, listening and providing nurture. Do I offer the same to myself? It’s a continual work in progress. For the past 6 months I have been on a journey with Naomi Absalom and 18 other women. I’ve had to open the boxes which have been clamped shut, shine the torch on them, brush off the dust and let what needs to come out fly. There has been incredible relief. True relief and satisfaction that others see what I try to offer, which is truth in my practice and in what I say. From a young age I made myself the rule ‘never lie’. I suppose I was already living and breathing satya (truthfulness) from adolescence. Even if it meant the road was harder I had to choose truth over lies. But truth isn’t limited by words, it seeps out into actions, thoughts, behaviours. I have to ask myself, am I speaking and living my truth?The thing with not living your truth is it’s hard to ignore. It gets quieter for a while, placated, a little farther away, but she sits there. Truth is waiting for me. Sat nam (sat meaning truth, nam meaning name) is one of the most beautiful, powerful chants I practice. I put my hand on my heart or wherever it lands and I sing it. I sing it but there is that moment of being caught up in ‘does this sound ok?’ ‘will my voice crack in front of the class?’. But I persevere because it has moved me and I believe it will move others. There is so much power and grace behind chanting. I sat today and started to sing ‘om mani padme hum’. Two rounds in tears began to touch my cheeks, I rarely cry so this was a total surprise. The beauty was in my voice, not that I sounded perfect, far from it. It was that I had space around me to truly sing, to remove the barriers, to be open and loud and real.