Feelings On Transitions

Change and transition have been two words I’ve said a lot over the past few months. I’m moving to have a ‘change’ or I’m in a period of ‘transition’. There is nothing like moving to a new country to totally highlight feelings and peel back layers I didn’t even know existed. I really want to feel strong all the time and happy with this new ‘transition’. See? I said it again! I want to feel content and enamoured with the beauty around me. Mostly I am. But things are feeling hard at the moment. I’ve cried more in the past three months than I did in probably the last two years. It’s actually been a welcome relief to feel the sweet relief of sobs and tear stained cheeks.A hugely powerful way for me to tap straight into my feelings is through my yoga practice. Just yesterday I got on my mat, moved to the music and then the tears came. I knelt in childs’ pose and cried, my cold-filled head lay heavy on the floor. Sometimes I’m not even sure why I’m crying, but what I do know is that something needs to let go. I’ve spent so many years bottling up my feelings and pretending everything is fine. Now I have this amazing opportunity to stop putting up the barriers, that in itself is liberating.It’s coming to the end of a crazy hot summer here. As annoying as this might sound, sorry my fellow UK peeps, it’s been too hot to do much in the day time. I couldn’t even sunbathe on my roof in August, I know right, poor me! We came here at a time when a lot of the locals leave for their holidays. Now we are starting to see the city come alive. Every night, for the past few weeks, Catalans lean out of their windows and bang pots at 10pm in protest of the repression. The Catalan spirit remains strong in the face of needless violence. I don’t feel I have enough knowledge to comment any further on this but you can read El Pais if you want to know more.I’ve spent a lot of time writing and thinking about the future. I’ve always disliked making long term plans and setting goals. Part of me is trying to work out why this is. Why do I value a perceived ‘freedom’ over a sense of direction? I’m trying to figure it out. It’s been quite a painful realisation to acknowledge that I have held myself back and not believed in myself or my abilities for so many years. Having a low sense of self-worth has trickled it’s way into so many parts of my life. Only now am I becoming so much more aware of when I’m going down the ‘you’re not good enough’ path. Writing has helped me hugely to bring some light to these shadows. However, I was sat on the loo the other day (my greatest epiphanies come when I’m on the toilet, obviously) and I realised if I keep looking back I might forget to look forward. All I have is now and the power to change in this moment.Something that’s changed dramatically is the amount of time spent at home. For the first time ever I have my own place with Gerard. We are so lucky to have a beautiful flat, it really is a dream. BUT being at home a lot is not good for my mental health. I’ve been really trying to not spend money and one of the easiest ways to do this is to always eat at home and work from home. Sometimes I can forget that there is this incredible city right on my doorstep. I’m aware that at times I can feel like I’m isolating myself. I need to learn more Spanish, I know it’s key. Just the other day I was with an American friend and thanks to her Spanish we found the perfect shops we needed. If it had been me alone I would have resorted to Google or ‘hables Ingles?’. Come on Alice, pull your socks up.I injured myself a month ago when I favoured listening to my ego over my body. This has meant no fitness classes for me. Exercise has been such a big part of my twenties and I really need it to feel strong and boost my endorphins. With a lack of fitness and an increase in spare time I’ve found myself body checking more. I worry if my body is changing, I worry that I’m getting weak. BUTTTT and this is a huge BUT, I don’t let these thoughts control me. I am aware that when I'm feeling down on myself those thoughts can be amplified. I think it’s pretty impossible for my body and strength not to change with such a big difference in lifestyle, and that is 100% ok. It’s ok because I know that I can get stronger and that my self-worth is defined by my body shape. I’m going through some harder time and it’s to be expected. My life has taken a big intentional, international side step.I apologise that this blog post isn’t exactly joy and laughter. But that is life. Writing for me is hugely therapeutic and these thoughts have been swirling around in my head. I’d love to hear from other people, how have you navigated big life changes?