Destination Barcelona
Fear. Even the word itself has an unwelcome tone when said out loud. I’ve really had to face my fears recently. Not only have I had to face fears but also question my instincts. The big old fear in the corner?? Well, in June of this year I’m moving to Barcelona with my boyfriend Gerard. Deciding to leave has been one of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever had to make. I say ‘I’ it’s not just about me, it’s G and I making the decision together.Sitting in indecision with this move was undoubtedly the hardest part so far. There have been many discussions about it. Is this the right time? Am I a fool to leave what I’ve built in London? What about my family and friends? Will I struggle to work and learn Spanish? Mostly all legitimate worries about packing your bags and moving countries.Truth be told I’ve not loved living in London for a long time. After I came back travelling (both times) I looked for ways out. I’m a sunshine and beach life kinda gal at heart. London is an incredible city with so much to offer. For a long time I don’t feel I’ve been making the most of it, nor have I wanted to. Teaching has become my priority and with that has come a huge shift in lifestyle. As I write this I am starting to feel a little sanctimonious, so bear with me. It probably has something to do with being in a relationship too, but I just don’t go out much these days. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good dance and some drinks. But they’ve gone way down the priority list to be pipped by decent sleep, hangover free mornings and productivity.I do realise i’m moving to another city, oh the irony, and the G&Ts! But it does have a beach, is surrounded by mountains, an hour from G’s gorgeous hometown and the climate is a little more hospitable than the UK. So teaching is your priority and you’re leaving it Alice? Yep that’s right. I’m leaving the classes I’ve spent two years tending to in my teaching garden. This has been such a hard decision wracked with ‘am I making a humongous mistake and throwing it all away?’. I’ve had to practice non-attachment in all it’s real life glory. Teaching over the past two years has been wonderfully fulfilling, educational, testing and most of all rewarding. I’ve met incredible people, taught everyone from 6 year olds to 70 year olds and all in between. This is just the beginning of my teaching journey though!Last year I embarked on a 6 month mentoring programme with Naomi Absalom. I had to get to the nitty gritty of why I teach and work out how to teach from a place that is authentic and sustainable. My lessons have become better rounded and I adore teaching the subtler practices such as chanting and meditation. I’ve feared that I would lose this moving to another country. Especially as currently my Spanish repertoire isn’t full enough to teach a class in Spanish. I can’t think of a better impetuous to learn the local language than that! Naomi reminded me that just because i’m in a different country doesn’t mean I lose all the work i’ve put in. The practices I love are close to me and it’s up to me to keep them up. I am the keeper of the practices and how I implement them into the way I teach.I’ve spent probably the past 8 months worrying about the predicament; do I stay or do I go? I’ve worried myself to the point of exhaustion. Poor Gerard has had to put up with my indecisiveness. I’ve annoyed myself with my seeming lack of ability to make a decision. Living in limbo is not fun. I’ve also practised gratitude in my fortune to have a choice like this. I’m well aware of my privilege to be able to move countries and live in a nice home abroad. Not a day goes by that i’m not grateful for the ability to choose.But back to fear. It’s an ugly beast that lurks. Fear will keep you standing still. I’ve felt it on my back. I’ve listened to it, heard what it had to say and decided that I didn’t want to listen anymore. The best metaphor that springs to mind at the moment is I feel i’m standing on the edge of a cliff, ready to take the jump. I’ve spent long enough peering over the edge, then subsequently looking behind me. Looking back has becoming staying put, slogging more time out in London. Again I am very grateful for what I have, I am getting by, working pretty much 7 day weeks and feeling in my bones that this city isn’t what I want anymore.When Gerard and I both listed the pros and cons of moving he pointed out I mostly focused on the negatives. He was right, everything I had written was drawn to the fear, the worries, the anxieties. What about the positives? Our first home to share together, a city full of opportunities, better weather, amazing culture and people and only two hours from home. Once I came to peace with my decision everything has felt lighter. At one point I couldn’t stand the constant worry and overthinking. When you naturally gravitate to worry it is exhausting. Finally making the decision has felt liberating. Once we start to break down our fears we build confidence and if it doesn't learn we learn, we grow, we move.If I can offer any pearls of wisdom on this decision so far they would be:
Don’t let fear hold you back from what you want
Weigh up the pros and cons of a decision and then come back to it a few weeks later
Write everyday, it doesn’t have to be about one topic. With daily writing you will start to notice patterns of thoughts
Look to the positive of a new start
Trust in yourself
Trust in your decision
Learn from the outcome, good or bad, it's all part of your life
Of course I haven’t moved yet. I might be writing a different blog post in a few months haha. But I am trusting in my decision with Gerard. I am trusting in myself as a teacher and in my ability to offer something really beautiful to people. I’m trusting in the good of others and the common ground to want to help each other. For those who have housed/are housing me over these 6 weeks I am indebted to you. Thank you to each person who has listened to me laminate over whether to stay or go, I really appreciate your eyes. To all of the amazing people I've taught in these two years, thank you for letting me be your teacher.I’ll leave you with a little something I wrote a couple of months ago when I finally felt at peace with my decision.
“Trust in the manifestation of your dreams. You are on the precipice of change. Doors are opening, life is brighter, colours are more vivid. Trust that you have the power to change. Be ok with the ups and downs, they are part of this beautiful journey of life”.
P.S. If you’re ever in Barcelona and fancy a yoga lesson they call me yeah?